Right, I had to answer some pretty tricky emails about the URLs we're going to use for the Olympics - wait until you read those babies, they'll blow you away - so here's some hastily pasted team news.
Spain: Casillas, Sergio Ramos, Marchena, Puyol, Capdevila,
Silva, Senna, Xavi, Iniesta, Villa, Torres. Subs: Palop, Albiol,
Fernando Navarro, Juanito, Arbeloa, Alonso, De la Red, Fabregas,
Santi Cazorla, Guiza, Sergio Garcia, Reina.
Russia: Akinfeev, Aniukov, Shirokov, Kolodin, Zhirkov, Sychev,
Zyryanov, Semak, Semshov, Bilyaletdinov, Pavluchenko. Subs:
Gabulov, Vasili Berezutsky, Yanbaev, Ignashevich,
Alexei Berezutsky, Bystrov, Torbinsky, Ivanov, Saenko, Adamov,
Malafeev.
Referee: Konrad Plautz (Austria)
If you think I'm lazy, the BBC haven't even started their coverage yet. Instead, we're treated to Newsround, which has told me some dolphins have died (boo), a kitten has been saved by some fireman (hooray), Harry Hill thinks sports days are good and the presenter has a scandalously low-cut top for a children's show. No wonder the younger generation is going to pot. In Craven's day it was turtlenecks all the way.
Come on then, Naylor, have you say: "Spain are in the weakest group, but have an awkward opening match. They've oceans of talent, but possibly don't know their best XI. And will the mix of players drawn from such diverse clubs and cultures gel on the day? We've been here before haven't we? Spain are amongst the favourites, but you can't help thinking that another car crash of a tournament awaits them. They even lost to England on penalties in 96! (though El Tel was very fortunate not to go out that afternoon)." Now, Spain will coast this game – witness the way they blasted Ukraine and Tunisia away at the beginning of the last World Cup, before melting into a cowering wreck come the quarter-finals. As a mildly diverting, but kind of irrelevant-because-it- happened-four years-ago, footnote Spain's opening game of Euro 2004 saw them win 1-0 against …. Russia.
Now, Russia may have knocked England out but they really were terrible in qualifying – they gave England about 532 chances to get back into it, and only Steve McClaren could have failed to accept their ludicrously generous gifts. Plus, Arshavin - Russia's best player - is suspended today. Expect some Romania-style stonewalling.
1 min: Much ball stroking which almost sees the Russians intercept the ball deep in Spain's half. "Isn't that picture from the knockout stage of a tournament," chuckles George Templeton. "How often are Spain celebrating a goal by that time?"
4 min: Free-kick to Russia that causes a bit of puzzlement in the Spanish area, Casillas attempts to punch, stuffs it up, but his team clear. "Here's some URLs for the Olympics: snore@beijing.com; possdrugcheat@sprint.com; dullsport@bbc.co.uk; whocaresanymore@olympics.hubris.com," writes the ever helpful Naylor. They're email addresses, but we'll forgive you Gary. And you forgot factualerrors@tomlutz.co.uk.
5 min: Now it's Spain's turn for a spot of free-kickery. Villa latches onto it with an odd chest/header move that amuses rather than threatens. "My girlfriend is almost going out of her way to accommodate my need to watch as much of the Euros as possible," chunters Graham. "I'm fearing that the backlash, after the tournament has finished, will be fierce. Should I ditch her now, and enjoy an entirely guilt-free championships, or should I enjoy it while it lasts and ditch her straight afterwards, thus avoiding the backlash?" Force her top watch every single one of Stubbsy's pitchside chats with Marcel Desailly on a 24-hour loop, she should get the message pretty sharpish.
8 min: Shirokov fails to control a ball pinged up to him on the edge of the area, while at the other end Torres scuffs a shot wide of the post. David Hopkins can quote French writers and everything: "Voltaire once said 'If God did not exist it would be necessary to invent Him'. Is that how the Rebranded Website writers think of Gary Naylor? What would you do if you sat down for a commentary and Naylor hadn't helpfully written your introduction for you?" Hmmm, not sure let me email Naylor and see what he thinks.
11 min: "What sort of fool doesn't start Fabregas," demands David Doyle. A racist fool, David. And one that's noticed that Cesc is a bit sleepy after his Premier League excursions this season. England's chum Pavlyuchenko causes a few problems down the left, but he's offside as he hits his cross in (and it's rubbish anyway).
15 min: Shirokov ploughs through Villa and Spain get the free-kick, which comes to nowt. So far nothing has happened in this game and yet it's still five times more interesting than France's game yesterday, featuring as it does, shots, passes and all that good football stuff. Silva has a shot from distance straight at the keeper.
17 min: A busy few moments for Russia as they flirt with the idea of actually having a shot. In the end, they close their eyes, cross their fingers and take the risk: Sychev storms in, but his shot is blocked.
19 min: Villa makes space for himself and shoots when he really should have passed to Torres. He gets a corner though, which arrives smartly on the head of a Russian defender at the near post.
Goal!!!!!!! Spain 1–0 Russia (Villa, 20 min)Now Torres is a lot more unselfish than old grabby-guts Villa. He breaks clear and crosses to the unmarked Villa who taps the ball in.
23 min: Russia strike back! (Almost). They thump the ball against the post as Spain's defenders look on idly. Spain then counter-attack like their names were Holland and Akinfeev has to react smartly to put Torres off his stride.
27 min: As good as all this action is, it's quite hard on the old typing fingers. I almost pine for the long, flat stretches of France v Romania. Villa forces the corner after getting a shot in at the near post. "I'll be at work until 5.45 editing video of the dippy but pretty [namedrops furiously] Agyness Deyn in interview," writes Amir. What, you're not going to stick around for another hour and read the rest of my opus? "As for Graham dilemma, I'm in a similar boat - my other half has taken up online role playing games to counter the tournament. My only concern is that when the footie is over, she will either a/ hate me completely b/ be so engrossed in her online role playing that she's forgotten about me entirely c/ both." Or she'll have run off with a seven-foot purple Viking (that's not a euphemism).
29 min: Spain are playing beautifully at the moment, which makes their inevitable decline in a week or so's time even more tragic. The signs are there too, their defenders seem determined not to defend.
33 min: Zyryanov walks through the Spanish defence before they think to tackle him. Russia have had a bit more pressure of late, but aren't creating any real chances.
36 min: Spain take the pressure off with some exemplary tiki-tak (that's Spanish for knocking it about, if Spanish has Ks, it might not). I get an email to confirm our top tecchie Steven Wells (not that one) is working on the Olympic URLs right now – hold on to the seat of your pants, readers, this is about to get interesting.
39 min: "I didn't realise David Villa was Spanish for John Arne Riise," says James Wells. "Has Villa had a touch where he hasn't shot it? And shot it horribly off target, with the exception of the goal, of course?" Top punditry, Wells: Villa blasts a shot into a Russian defender's shins.
43 min: The BBC elect to show a crucial free-kick from a ridiculous overhead angle, which doesn't obscure the fact that Pavlyuchenko's shot strikes the bar. Having said that, our tools have stopped working, so we're not really ones to talk.
Goal!!!!!!! Spain 2–0 Russia (Villa 44 min)Iniesta cuts in and Villa slides the ball through Akinfeev's legs. OK, so his finishing might be a bit better than John Arne Riise's
Half-timeGreat stuff from Villa (and Torres) who have ripped the Russian centre-halfs apart with their movement.
"Spain play some very pretty football but I'm unconvinced. A better pressing team like Italy would give them great problems," says Gene Salorio. Well, maybe not Italy.
"I popped into crowded local bar just as Spain scored here in Barcelona. Pretty sure I actually heard a pin drop," writes Jim Burke. "The Barcelona cats don't seem to be behind the national team, for some reason." Woah! Even the cats in Barcelona are against Spain, no wonder they implode.
46 min: Russia start the second half. "I love the way Spain play but they are so wee. Lots of wee tricky men in midfield. Plus they have a flapper between the sticks," says Russell Brady, conjuring unhealthy images of Iker Casillas dancing the Charleston (he's a brilliant keeper, by the way). "I predict second round exit at the hands of some big men via set-pieces." Ah, where are England when you need them?
47 min: Zhirkov skips past a defender, but gets carried away and loses the ball when he should have crossed. Still, Russia can claim to have dominated this half.
50 min: Bystrov has a fairly free header, but it goes straight to Casillas, who doesn't flap. An associate professor of Spanish (no less) tells us something we'd kind of figured out already. "It may be that the Barcelona cats may not be behind the Spanish national team on account of the centuries of oppression that the Catalan culture has faced at the hands of those in Madrid," storms Bob Davidson.
54 min: Torres is off and Fabregas is on and we have one striker. There goes the best (only) attacking football we've seen at this tournament. "Can I be the 1,057th person to express astonishment at seeing Villa on the scoresheet twice before half time," says Luke Williams. "I mean, that hasn't happened since Andy Gray left, has it?." Or the last time they played Birmingham. Or Chelsea.
58 min: Villa has another shot. Yep, he's scored two but he could easily have had four or five. My foolish decision to open a whole Cannery Row's worth of worms with Jim Burke's email has resulted in at least 98 diatribes on Spanish/Catalan relations which you can flick through at your pleasure if you send me a tenner. I'm praying Switzerland-Turkey don't have any history behind them for tomorrow' s game.
61 min: Bilyaletdinov shoots just wide, although he really should have done better. Spain are attempting to shut up shop, but keep on letting people in to buy post-pub fags and some Pickled Onion Monster Munch.
62 min: Zhirkov puts in a satisfying crunch of a challenge as Silva advances in on goal.
64 min: Iniesta, who has looked a bit peaky all game, is off and Santi Cazorla in on.
67 min: Senna has a header well saved from a corner, before Silva cracks in a great shot that Akinfeev clutches to his chest. "Speaking as an associate professor of Russian (no less, no more), may I lower the cultural level and note that Tommy Smyth's comments on ESPN are even more inane and inaccurate than usual," fumes Associate Professor of Russian Andrew Reynolds. "I'm amazed there aren't any web petitions aimed at getting him and his bulging onion bags the sack. Perhaps we can persuade our American friends to hire Gary Naylor instead?" I think Naylor's aiming to team up with Obama on a dream politics/football trivia ticket.
70 min: Pavlyuchenko is free in the box, but Spain close him down quickly and his shot can only find a defender's legs.
71 min: Bystrov (who was a sub himself) is off and Adamov is on, dashing my hopes of seeing the end of Bilyaletdinov, whose name takes eight minutes to type.
72 min: Russia seem content to see the end of this game, saving themselves for the gentler arms of Sweden and Greece.
Goal!!!!!!! Spain 3–0 Russia (Villa 75 min)Fabregas rips off his jim-jams and delivers a superb ball that Villa slides past Akinfeev.
77 min: The excellent Silva makes way for Alonso. "Nope, no real animosity between the Swiss and the Turks, although the Saracens (some of whom may have been from what is now Turkey) did overrun the Valais in the 10th century," writes Luke Williams who really should be associate professor of Swiss/Turk relations. "Nowadays, that sort of thing is usually done by eager Brits in bobble hats, keen to sample Swiss hospital food and to contribute to the booming Swiss crutch industry."
80 min: Spain are playing the most luxurious of luxury football, just because they can. Rather charmingly, they're all too polite to shoot, eager to give it to one of their friends to score.
84 min: Steve Forstneger reminds me of the fisticuffs Switzerland and Turkey enjoyed during qualification for the last World Cup, so tomorrow should be fun. Casillas has just been clattered while coming for a cross and isn't looking too well.
Goal!!!!!!! Spain 3–1 Russia (Pavlyuchenko 86 min)Russian corner and Pavlyuchenko stoops to head home. Spain don't look too bothered though.
89 min: A brilliantly bad ball from Ramos as he gives it away to Russia on the edge of the area. Spain have been pretty bad for the last five minutes or so, not that it matters.
Goal!!!!!!! Spain 4–1 Russia (Fabregas 90 min)Spain break and although Akinfeev saves the initial shot from Xavi, Fabregas is there to pick up the rebound.
90 min + 2: Here's Paul McLeroy:
A-Level Football Transfers
Written Exam
Using only your fingers and toes calculate how much David Villas price has just gone up and how much less likely it is that he'll be at Spurs next season.
PEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! Impressive stuff from Spain, they ripped apart Russia and moved beautifully as they did so. Villa and Torres were terrifying. Having said that, their defending was sloppy at times, and they started with four goals at the last World Cup too.
from http://www.guardian.co.uk
